Thursday, March 20, 2008

Why I'm not running...

Since my friend who lives on Lake Herman is now an official politico with White House aspirations (okay, so I'm kidding on that, but Jimmy Carter got his political career started by serving on the Plains, Georgia, school board.), I thought I would post my own non-candidate, non-profile, stating why I do NOT want to serve in pubic office!

Matt Hendrickson, soon to be the Grand Sultan of "Oom-poppa-mow-mow!"

Family: Swingin' Bachelor, Baby!

Occupation: Media Star, Graduate School Dropout, World Conquistador in Training.

Age: Too old for Demi Moore and too young for Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-whatever-the-hell-her-name-is.

How long a resident of Lake County: 6 years (hey, gotta have some straightforward answers once in a while!) but I've lived in the area (Dell Rapids, Brookings, etc.) my whole life.

What influenced you not to run to politics? Well, I have a pretty thin skin when it comes to personal attacks. I make it a point to treat others with respect, even if I don't agree with them. I guess it all stems back to my dear mother instilling a sense of MANNERS that has been my biggest weakness. As has been experienced in the Democratic primary and even our own little episode with the hired thug out of Virginia slamming someone who hadn't even DECIDED to run, I know that I couldn't be that cold-blooded. So screw it, I'm not running!

Of course, with the right kind of brainwashing, perhaps I can be a sociopath along the lines of Michael Savage, Fred Phelps, Badlands Blue, and Ted Rall and make a mint in politics!

Who have been your biggest influences in your decision not to run? Jesse Ventura. He once said that the best and brightest in the country are making a difference in the world of business, education, arts and entertainment, and technology and sciences. Politics are for those who are too stupid to succeed in those fields! And that's the best and brightest representing us!

If elected I will: 1) Demand a recount. 2) Find the person responsible for putting me on the ballot, and 3) kick them square in the ass!

After that, I would institute term limits and work to do away with elections and replace them with a drawing system, kinda like Jury duty. Make it so that all they want to do is do their jobs and get the hell out of there as soon as possible! And anyone who wants to make a career out of it would get intense psychological counseling and possible commitment to the happy farm!

Then I would resign after selling my life story to Hollywood for 300-million dollars!

What is your political philosophy? The American public should all be like grumpy old men and tell Uncle Sam to “Leave me alone!” and “Stay off my lawn!” And if it doesn't, turn the garden hose on them!

I vote because: It's a great way of biding my time before becoming world emperor!

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