Frustration Chronicles #1: J****

Sorry that I've been incommunicado, faithful readers (all three of you!), but it's been a pretty hectic, frustrating kind of a month. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is collapsing in on itself and you're left with one of those dinky circus umbrellas to shield yourself against the falling rocks.

So, instead of keeping it in and letting it fester, I've decided to let it out in the open, a catharsis, if you will. I call it the "Frustration Chronicles." And believe me, I have more than enough material!

The most pressing source of my frustration right now has to deal with J****. In case you're wondering, "What's a J****", let me assure you that a J**** is not a "what" but a "who". To be more specific, the woman I love and who is again my greatest source of frustration at this time.

I met J**** about three years ago. We had a couple of dates, but she had this nasty little habit of either breaking things off when things got interesting or simply just disappeared with no logical rhyme or reason. Eventually, she came back, and we really started to enjoy each other's company, so much so we decided to start dating. She was (and still is) the only woman I have ever felt this strongly about.

Well I found out some things. Not going to go into specifics, but they pretty much devastated me... bawling for three days straight kind of devastated. And I broke things off and had no contact with J**** for a long time.

Fast-forward a year and a half. I had just about gotten over her, pretty much getting on with my life. All of a sudden, on this blog no less, she came back into my life. We agreed to meet for dinner, both of us scared as hell. She explained what had happened and I, for some dumb-assed reason, forgave her. Granted, I was still a bit miffed at her for what she did, but more so that she said she loved me, wanted to marry me, but when the fit had hit the shan a year and a half earlier, she bolted and didn't stand up to fight for me. But I figured if I was to move on with my life, I had to take a first step.

And then, despite all logic, something pretty amazing happened. We both found out we still had feelings for each other. We became friends, we started spending time together again, and while I was still a little leery of getting hurt again, I was ready to resume things before all this big hullabaloo. And then she dumped me for a piece of man-candy.

Well, from having my heart shattered a year and a half before, to being ready to take the plunge again (despite common sense), it was more than I could take. And I was MAD. Not upset, not agitated, not frustrated, but MAD. And I said some pretty horrible things, some that even appeared briefly on this blog before my rational self got a hold of me. And then I did it, I lit off the atomic bomb of the mouth. I said the one thing that devastated her. And as soon as I sent it, I immediately regretted it.

She said it would have been easier to stab her in the heart.

Now it's been almost 3 months. She still hasn't forgiven me for what was essentially something said in the heat of the moment. She said she still has feelings for me, just not the ones that would bring us back together. Frankly, she said friendship is still there.

Well after our trip to Chicago (in which she did a pretty good job of avoiding me unless she absolutely had to) she hasn't called, written, or nothing. In fact, I'm the one that's been trying to keep in contact, after all she said she wants to "be friends".

After much frustration, I finally asked her if she was trying to forget about me... she said "yes." From wanting to be friends to now wanting to forget me; I must have missed a memo somewhere.

So I called her a coward. The only difference between her hurting me and me hurting her is I immediately tried to make amends and not run and hide like she did. Now she's talking about moving away, after telling me that she was glad I didn't take a job in Wyoming (check last year's archives).

I wish this little girl would make up her mind once and for all. Does she want me or doesn't she? When I talk to her, she talks as though the possibility is still there. I've told her on many occasions that I'd be willing to give up everything I've known in my life... my family, my friends, my career, just to be with her for the rest of our lives. If not, then at least tell me so I can forget about you too and get on with my life!

I know she's afraid of being hurt again, but hey, I was afraid of being hurt too when I decided to let her into my heart again. I told her last Friday that she's ripped my heart out so many times, I'm not sure if I ever had one there to begin with! But I'm willing to take that chance, even if things go to pot and we never speak again. At least we would have honestly tried and not hidden behind some chickenshit excuses.

So that's my big frustration right now. And I know that she'll read this (she's one of the three) and probably pass this off as my pathetic ramblings. And more than likely it'll probably alienate her even more. But at the same time, I don't care. I'm fed up with all the frustration that's in my life.

So congratulations, J****, you just made my first posting in the "Frustration Chronicles."