Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A "Weighty" issue on my mind...

So far, so good... It's been 2 months since I reached my goal of 180 pounds. I gained about 8 of them back over the holidays, but I've shed about 4 of them so far. Losing the weight is easy... keeping it off isn't!

But the issue I seem to have deals more with my own self-perception. When I was 280 pounds, I had to make sure I would be able to move around in certain places, including booths at restaurants. So every time I go to sit down at a booth or move around a tight spot, I'm surprised at how easy I can navigate without sucking in my gut.

Yet the self-image still remains. I sit at home or at work and I still see myself as being 280. I used to use a lot of self-depreciating humor as a way breaking the tension. I still seem to use that, but it seems more like a crutch.

But the most obvious thing is when people, attractive women especially, tell me that I'm good-looking and "sexy". Usually when people have told me that in the past, my B.S. meter kicked in and I start to wonder what they wanted from me. In other words, I didn't feel they were honest, and I'm still a little skeptical

And to be honest, I STILL don't feel attractive. I don't know if it's simply a lack of confidence or perhaps all that self-depreciating humor finally ingrained itself after 20-odd years. I look in the mirror and I still see that gut hanging out over my belt, or as my dad calls it the "Dunlap Disease".... as in my gut "dun lap" over my belt!

I'm happy with everything else... that I don't run out of breath when I run up a flight of stairs... That I don't get heartburn in the middle of the night... and that I have more energy during the day. I guess this issue is just something I need to work through.

1 comment:

Darwin said...

Maybe not the same thing, but it will be 12 years this Feb that I quit smoking. It was weird to reach into my pocket for a cigarette and then remember that I was 2 years into my quit. It's hard to change things that have been for a long time.